at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
