Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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