I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
