the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
