I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
