Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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