i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
