she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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