a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
