how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
