I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
