My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
