im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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