I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
