We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
