I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
