1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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