So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just threw up on my dentist
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
