My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
