Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
