Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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