I am spending my child support on dildos
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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