I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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