apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
