All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
