Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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