i was rollin on her like bob the builder
this beer tastes like vomit already
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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