Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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