I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
