Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
