why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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