Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
