Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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