Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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