And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
