so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
