soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
