The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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