I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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