I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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