he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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