i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
