I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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