either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
