Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
