I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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