I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
