How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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