you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
