somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
