You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
