last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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