you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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