you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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